There are lots of onboard activities on a cruise ship – but which ones should you go out of your way to attend? There is so much to choose from. Well we asked a friend, who just so happens used to work on the entertainment staff of a well-known cruise brand.
“Alan, that’s a great question, but I would rather tell you the ones NOT to attend.”
So this article is a guest article written by our friend – who would prefer to remain anonymous and didn’t want us to reveal what cruise line they work for either.
I would add that all opinions shared in this article are not those of cruisenonstop.com, but of the author.
So let’s hand you over to our friend…
As former cruise staff, we’ve seen every show, event, and activity. We know what passengers love, but we also know which onboard experiences don’t always match the hype. Before you plan your next cruise itinerary, let us reveal the most overrated onboard activities and help you make the most of your time at sea!
The Captain’s Dinner Letdown
If your cruise line of choice still offers a Captain’s dinner, don’t get too excited! The Captain’s Dinner isn’t the exclusive event marketing makes it out to be anymore. Some ships host up to three different seating arrangements to accommodate everyone. The “special menu” often features the same dishes as other restaurants, but they are arranged differently on the plate with fancy garnishes.
The captain typically spends less than 30 seconds at each table, following a strict script while rushing to get through hundreds of guests. Most passengers don’t realize that the formal photos taken during these dinners are shot by the same photographers who work the gangway, just wearing fancier uniforms.
The “champagne” toast is usually made with the ship’s cheapest sparkling wine, served in pre-poured glasses that may have been sitting out for some time beforehand. The special entertainment segment during dinner often recycles performances from other nights, just with added formal wear.
The advertised “special interaction” with the ship’s officers is typically limited to a quick handshake line, and some officers might be junior staff in formal uniforms. The much-hyped special dessert parade usually consists of regular menu items presented with sparklers and extra fanfare.
Art Auctions Aren’t What They Seem
Cruise ship art auctions often feature prints marketed as “exclusive, limited-edition pieces” with inflated “retail values.” The complimentary “champagne” served is a great sales tool as it lowers your inhibitions, making you mnore likely to bid on a whim.
Most pieces shown during previews are display copies, with artwork shipped directly to your home from warehouses. The “guaranteed investment value” certificates provided with purchases often have so many conditions that they’re practically worthless.
Regular auction attendees notice the same pieces appearing cruise after cruise despite claims of rarity.
I personally purchased a nice piece at one such auction for $1400 almost 20 years ago – it’s meant to be worth around $4000 by now according to the last auctioneer I spoke to. My local auction house valued it at $400. Make of that what you will!
The Pool Deck Games Reality
Those famous pool deck games are often recycled activities that staff learned during a two-day training session, not the unique entertainment experiences they’re marketed as. The “randomly selected” contestants are usually pre-screened and sometimes even rehearsed to ensure the games run smoothly.
The prizes awarded during these games are typically promotional items that cost the cruise line nothing, like cheap keychains or highlighter pens.
Most activities are deliberately designed to be mildly embarrassing, as staff know this generates better photos and videos for the cruise line’s marketing materials. The famous “sexiest man” competition is a carefully choreographed event with specific types of passengers chosen for predictable reactions.
Bingo’s Hidden Costs
The progressive jackpot bingo games are mathematically designed to almost never pay out until the final day of the cruise. Electronic bingo devices, marketed as convenience tools, actually decrease your chances of winning by allowing players to monitor more cards than they can effectively track.
The special bingo markers sold onboard are identical to basic daubers, but I reckon they are marked up by 300%. Most cruise lines intentionally schedule bingo sessions during prime outdoor hours when the weather is best, knowing indoor activities draw better crowds during peak sun time.
Players rarely notice that the number of cards sold often makes the odds of winning significantly worse than in land-based bingo halls. The “guaranteed winner” games sometimes require staff to call numbers for extended periods until someone finally wins.
Spa Treatment Tricks
The spa’s “special offers” announced daily are actually regular prices marketed as limited-time deals to create urgency. Those exclusive “at-sea ingredients” in spa treatments are often regular products with marine-themed names.
The complimentary spa tour heavily pushes product sales rather than providing facility information. I’ve heard that the famous hot stone massages can often use stones that aren’t hot enough because staff rush between back-to-back appointments.
The “medical” or “therapeutic” terms used in treatment descriptions may have no official medical backing or certification. I was told by a member of the Spa staff that they are trained to spend the last 15 minutes of every treatment pushing product sales rather than focusing on the service.
Those body composition analyses offered during fitness consultations use basic scales that provide questionable results. The detox packages promoted after fitness classes likely have no scientific backing for their claimed benefits.
Shopping Show Secrets
The port shopping presentations advertised as “expert guides” are effectively advertisements for specific stores that the cruise line have partnered with. The shopping maps handed out highlight only stores that pay commissions or retainers to the cruise line, ignoring potentially better local options.
Additionally, the “special VIP cards” distributed during shopping talks provide the same discounts available to anyone walking into the stores. Those “one-time-only deals” mentioned in port shopping talks are typically available throughout the entire cruise season.
The free charms and pendants offered as shopping incentives are mass-produced items with minimal value. The gemstone and jewelry education seminars focus only on stones and styles available in partner stores.
Staff members acknowledge that the same tanzanite and diamond presentations are given weekly despite claims of “special purchasing opportunities.” The “guaranteed authentic” certificates from port shops often carry limited actual buyer protection.
Late Night Adult Entertainment
The adult comedy shows typically recycle the same jokes cruise after cruise, with minimal customization for each audience. The “uncensored” late-night games are carefully scripted to seem more spontaneous and risqué than they are.
Staff members are placed throughout the venue to help control the energy level and prevent activities from becoming too rowdy. The infamous Quest game show uses the same basic challenges on every cruise, with staff knowing exactly which items will be requested beforehand.
Casino “Events” Exposed
The casino tournaments advertised as special events are designed to generate maximum profit with minimal actual playing time. The “guaranteed prize pools” often require minimum participant numbers that are rarely disclosed until the tournament starts.
Furthermore, the late-night casino promotions offering “double points” or “special jackpots” typically have higher house edges than standard play. The free gaming lessons promote the highest house edge games while glossing over better-odds options.
Those flashy progressive jackpot displays count every connected machine across the cruise line’s fleet, making them seem more achievable than they are. The special poker tournaments often use faster structures than advertised to ensure quick completion.
What’s Worth Your Time
In my opinion I would skip these overrated activities and focus on authentic experiences unique to cruising: watching sunsets from secret deck spots, chatting with international crew members during quiet moments, and exploring ports without organized tours.
Enjoy your cruise!
